Spoiler Alert: I do not.
“Being a woman,” especially a “Christian woman,” especially a “Biblical woman,” has long been a sensitive subject for me. No matter how hard I’ve tried, I’ve just never felt that I fit in “the box” that I was supposed to.
That’s why I started writing this series. When I started, I believed that I was part of a small percentage of women who felt like they didn’t fit in the box. But as I’ve gotten feedback on what I’ve written and had several conversations with friends, I’m starting to think that no one really feels that they fit in the “woman box.” They feel, like me, that they have maybe half the characteristics they are supposed to have, but are missing about half as well. The halves that we have and the halves we are missing are always different, but we feel at home in some womanly traits, and not at all in others.
And—I say this with complete sincerity—this makes me feel at a loss as to what “womanhood” really is. (side note: I felt so much more normal when I heard Preston Sprinkle talk about this exact issue with Lynn Cohick on his “Theology in the Raw” podcast).
So what does it mean to be a woman? And does the Bible give a comprehensive answer to that question? (spoiler alert: it does not.)
All these questions and discussions spurred me to do something weird.
I made a list of all those traits—the things that I’ve heard repeatedly about what it means to be a woman. Everything from “women aren’t good drivers” and “women be shoppin’,” to “women just want to feel beautiful” and “women are born to be nurturers,” and “women give sex to get love.” Everything I’ve heard from Scripture and from pulpits. Everything I’ve heard from Cosmo and F•R•I•E•N•D•S (and friends).
I took a good look at that list and examined every item on it. I thought about if and how I have seen these things realistically played out. I looked, from the Spiritual and Biblical side of things, at if God calls women to do or have any of these specific actions or character traits.
Besides ruling out all the ones that are just absolute falsehoods (women aren’t funny, women aren’t as smart, etc), here’s what I found.
Some are generally true.
Women are generally more relational than men. Women are more likely to “be shoppin’.” Women tend (tend) to be more natural caretakers.
These are tendencies and generalities. BUT, contrary to what I have believed most of my life, nothing is wrong with any woman for whom some of these generalities are not true.
Of the generalities we talk about with women, I don’t think God is displeased if they don’t particularly apply to you or me. It’s not sinful to be on the less nurturing, or less relational, or less fill-in-the-blank-with-whatever-has-made-you-feel-like-less-of-a-woman side of things.
Some of the things I listed are things God has called all believers to.
But many of these traits are considered “weak” for men in our culture. So Christian women have been encouraged to develop them more, while Christian men, who have been partly discipled by our culture, have shied away from them (the same thing happens to women on other issues).
God has called all believers to be humble, servant-hearted, submissive to others, gentle, loving, caring. Women have been strongly encouraged to develop these traits in most churches, and so we have gotten a little bit of a head start.
The real solution, then, is not for women to step down from that, but for men to step up to live and serve and love like Jesus. Instead of a “bless their hearts, look at them serving in the children’s ministry and washing our dishes,” attitude towards women, there should be holy reverence, and a conviction to wash those dishes and care for those kids alongside women.
And some of the things I listed are things God has uniquely called women to.
We are the only ones who can be wives (and as wives, sustaining companions to our husbands) and mothers. How those roles are lived out is different for every woman who is called to them. But, somehow, God has uniquely equipped us as individual women to fill those roles when He calls us to them.
And within those roles, God may call us to develop some traits that are not natural for us. I am not naturally a nurturer or a caretaker. It is okay, I believe, as a woman, to not be a natural caretaker. And yet, as a parent and a mother, I am called to develop those traits, by the Holy Spirit’s help, for my son. As with a lot of Christian traits, God is going to develop things in us that are not natural for us in order to equip us for what He has called us to.
I walked away from this list—really from this whole series that I’ve written—with the renewed conviction that I am willing to mold my life around the wisdom and guidelines that the Creator of life has given about being a woman. That’s the only thing that makes sense to do.
I’m willing to come to Scripture with the intent to truly understand the heart of God and not have my own desires or wishes confirmed. I’m willing to look at the things He truly says about womanhood and to line myself up with those things.
I am not willing, however, to make that commitment to anything else. I am not willing to mold my life around who culture, even Christian culture, says that I am. Anything that falls outside the line of the word or the heart of God, I will not be bound by.
That means I feel freedom that I can be loud, I can work outside the home, I don’t have to have a “sweet spirit.” It means that, even though I chose to, I didn’t have to take on the roles of wife or mother. I don’t have to love crafting or aesthetics or decorating (which is great, because I. do. not.) I don’t have to love cooking, even though I really, really do.
I don’t have the answer to what it means to be a woman and what it is that makes us distinct and unique. I don’t have the answer to what is true and what is false about what I believed about gender most of my life. I don’t have the answer to what it means to push back against unjust and ungodly systems of sexism and still not be angry all the time.
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer, but Jesus knows what the answer looks like for me, and for you. We’re likely failing at it in some ways, but I’ll bet we’re growing as well.
See also:
On Being a Woman: When “Who You’re Supposed to be” isn’t Who you Are
On Being a Woman: And the Anger that Sometimes Comes along with It
On Being a Woman: And Moving Past the Anger that Sometimes Comes Along with It